May 28, 2013

So. I decided to go back to using this blog, since I honestly want a private blog that I can just talk about my feelings. I would use my pandatheo.tumblr.com, but Kristy would read what I write… But this blog will probably never be visited again, since Jessie never visited this site to check, unless I mentioned it to her. Also, I highly doubt she would even think/remember this site anyways.

So… What do I want to write about? I guess, I just want to get my feelings and thoughts out there, even if there’s no one to read it. Since, when I write, it feels as if there’s someone that’s reading this and listening to me… I want to be heard, but not really by anyone I know at least… So, I posting this publicly, since it’ll feel as if maybe someone might read this, and someone might really care… I don’t know, it’s a silly thought, but nobody will read this, and I just want to vent a bit.

Anyways, where to begin… So, my love life sucks. It’s not that I’m not prosperous or anything with women, I usually aren’t, but recently I have been… My biggest problem is, I can’t find the right one… I’m honestly dejected and sad about it… I guess, I just want to be loved. It’s not that I hate being liked, I really like the fact that Kristy fell for me and likes me… But, the problem is, I just want to be loved… Not the love as in, when Jessie loved me, when we were going out… Hmhm, how do I explain what I want… Basically, I want a girl to be able to love me as much as I love her… Like, I would give my girlfriend basically everything… I want someone to give my heart to, I want someone that I would try to be sweet and just perfect for… I want to be the perfect guy for a girl, but it’s not that I want a relationship… I want someone that would also want to do the same… I want a girl to be the clingy and jealous type like me. Like, when I read manga, I see some clingy ass girls that some people are like, “so clingy”. But, I’m always like, “;-; i would want a gf like that…” Basically, I’m a romantic. I like to do sweet things, be the perfect boyfriend, and etc… Although, I like doing those things, I kinda also want it as well… It’s silly, but, I haven’t really had that much relationship experience… I watch a good amount of kdrama, shoujo manga, love stories, wrote my own before, and etc… I guess, I just want the same thing… I know, it’s silly, since they’re just stories and love probably isn’t actually like that. I don’t need love like that, but whenever I read and see how much the girl thinks and care about the guy, I just want someone like that for myself… I just want a girl to love me as much as I love them… I think it’s cute being able to say, “noo, I love you more <3″. But, just once… I want a girl to be like, “no, I love you more, theo” and I’ll just be like, “.-. oh damn, you might actually do”. It’s silly probably to dream of this girl, but I guess that’s why I’m just writing about it… I always seem to want what I can’t have and this is one of the things…

To be honest not too long ago, actually even now, I kinda imagine myself being forever alone. People don’t really know too much about this (except Kristen to an extent), but I too have self esteem issues. I don’t like to bother people to much about my problems and rather be the one that’s there for them… But, anyways, I kinda just imagine myself being forever alone. Since, I might date a girl and etc, but I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone like Ted. I just want to maybe meet the one, like what Ted wants in HIMYM, which is probably why I like the show so much… Since, I honestly can relate to Ted. I want a girl that would love me as much as I love her and be able to ionno help me change. Like one of my biggest insecurities is being a picky eater, whenever I tell people, it doesn’t sound like that big of a problem, but I feel like it could be… I can never go to dinner with a girl’s parents, since I probably can’t eat anything, and I hate going on dates to a restaurant with a girl and not being able to eat anything. This is one of my biggest fears and insecurities… :( I guess, a long time ago, I had a girlfriend name Jennifer. She wasn’t an amazing girlfriend or anything, but she got me to try new food and etc by saying, “Please…? For me? :)” All, I could say is, “yes”. I hope my future girlfriend one day would do that for me… I guess, after my relationships so far, I learned a lot about what I want and etc… I learned now that I just want a girl that I could give my heart to, a girl that would love me despite all my faults, since I’ll definitely love everything about her, I want a girl that would love me as much as I love her, I want a girl to make it so that I never have to worry about anything… ionno, maybe I’m asking for too much, and that’s probably why I’ll be forever alone…

It’s just that, the way I first grew to like Jessie was from the way she acted. Like initially when we first talked, it wasn’t really the stuff we had in common. It’s just her personality and dedication. Like, Jessie would message me a bunch when I’m at school, tell me that she misses me a lot and spam me, she would be very blunt about her feelings for me, and that’s why I grew to like her so much. But as months passed by, she just stopped doing those things. We stopped talking alone for hours, we stopped doing homework together, she stopped telling me I miss you + spam, she stopped being flirty with me, and etc… The reason why I refused to get back with her, is because, she wasn’t the girl I grew to like in the first place… I did change towards the end of our relationship, I just couldn’t find myself liking a girl that yelled at me a lot, refused to ever chase after me (until we actually broke up), refuse to apologize most of the time (I always ended up having to, but in the beginning damn… her apologies were so sweet), want to spend time with only me, and etc… She asks me sometimes, “why did you break up with me”. I never give her a proper answer, since I care about her feelings, but she doesn’t even care about mine, she would insult me and get mad at me when things don’t go her way… Also, she doesn’t really want to change either. But, that’s what I kinda want in a girl. I’m the type of guy that wants to become the perfect boyfriend for a girl, but if my girlfriend doesn’t want to do that for me then… Well, I guess you can guess the rest… But honestly, things could’ve been perfect with her… I really wanted to give her my heart and be the perfect boyfriend with her, since I really cared about her…

The problem with Kristy is a bit similar but the opposite of Jessie. You see, Jessie is actually willing to get apps and use them to talk to me. She would message me throughout my day, send snaps, tell me her actual feelings from her blog, and etc… But at the same time, it’s a similar problem. She doesn’t chase after me like Jessie does in the beginning, Kristy doesn’t want to spend that much time with me (she’s frequently bored doing nothing and I’m just like… why don’t u just spend that time with me), and yeah… I said before that I didn’t want a girlfriend to play League, but that’s actually not true. I like being able to play League with my girlfriend, but I hate it if that’s the only thing I do with my gf. With Kristy, the problem is similar to how it was with Jessie, all we do is play League and talk… But I do like how dedicated Kristy was to her boyfriends… like honestly, how she kept thinking about her ex, how he was a terrible boyfriend yet she stuck with him, and etc… I honestly want someone kinda like that. I want someone to be dedicated to me as much as I would be to them…

I want more than that… I want to be able to talk to a girl like I do with Kristy throughout the day (compared to Jessie just playing League and talking in a skype call with other people), but I want to do things other than League like watching stuff/playing omgpop/drawing together and etc (like with Jessie), I want my gf to chase after me like Jessie did initially, I want a girl to tell me her feelings like Kristy, I want a girl to just be able to love me as much as I love them… (Which Kristy and Jessie can’t)… Since, when I get a girlfriend, I kinda hope to spend a majority of my time with them… But, I want them to want that as well. I want to be the perfect boyfriend for a girl, I want to do sweet things and make them feel special, I want them to be delusional and think I’m amazing, and etc… Basically, I just want someone kinda like me..? Not in the similarity sense, but I just want a girlfriend to do what I would do for her… Maybe, I’m just weird. Maybe, I’m just too clingy, too much of a jealous type, too much of a romantic or something, too retarded, immature, etc etc etc… Maybe, I’m just too greedy and want too much… But, it doesn’t mean I can’t want someone like the girl, I described here… Sigh… I’m honestly probably asking for too much, but I don’t need a girl to be incredibly attractive, I don’t need a girl to live near me, and etc… I just want a girl that I could connect with emotionally. I don’t need her to have a million things in common with me, since opposites attract as well… But, I guess all I want is a girl to be able to love me, like I’d love her… :( I want a girl to want to spend as much time with me, like I would want to for her… I want a girl that would chase after me, like I’d chase after her. I want a girl to be there for me, like how I’d definitely be there for her… I want a girl to be crazy and stupidly in love with me, since I’d for sure to be stupidly and madly in love with her… Basically, I probably a hopeless romantic that just wants to find love… I just want a kind, cute, adorable girl that I could just talk to… A girl that would enjoy talking to me, a girl that would want to spend a lot of time with me and do stuff together, a girl who would do cute things for me, she doesn’t have to be attractive, she doesn’t have to be perfect, she doesn’t have to have a lot in common with me, and etc… Since, I know if a girl really is like that, I’d love her anyways… I’d love my girlfriend despite all her flaws, since she wouldn’t have any… She’d be perfect to me and some people consider me the perfect guy or perfect boyfriend… Or at least a great guy or a great boyfriend… But, why can’t I just find someone that would want to be that for me? I don’t need a perfect girlfriend, I just want someone who would want to be the perfect girlfriend for… :(

Anyways, I guess I’m done venting out my feelings, and etc… Love really sucks… Is it so much to ask for someone to love me as much as I love them…? I don’t know… But, I hope one day, I’ll meet or find out who the perfect girl really is, and I’d fall in love with her. But, I know she’d fall in love with me too, since she’s the perfect girl. If I could have one wish or if I could know anything, I’d just want to know who is this perfect girl and where can I find her… :[ I’m honestly a pretty lonely guy. I mean, sure I have friends, and I have people to talk to. But, I don’t want a relationship necessarily… I just want a relationship with someone special… :( I hope I’ll find her one day, if not… I guess, I’ll have to learn what it’s like to be forever alone… But really… I really really really hope, I’ll find her one day and ask, “Where have you been all my life?” Or be shocked that she’s been there the whole time or something, lulz. But yeah… 愛はとても難しいですね。。。 (Love is very hard…)

New release! Liar Game – Roots of A (complete volume)

October 11, 2009

Yes, it’s another release! The complete volume of  “Liar Game – Roots of A“, well I hope you all enjoy this volume pack of Liar Game. Each chapter involves a different story, there not all the same (well most of it isn’t the same).

Download Link #1

Download Link #2

Download Link #3

EDIT: sorry i forget add “www.” on the second download link so it should work right now so enjoy :)

First Release! (Gintama Volume 9)

October 8, 2009

Woo, it’s our FIRST release.  It’s a joint between Maximum7 and One Scans. I hope you all enjoy this volume worth of Gintama, to feed your leeching needs. Please continue to check back for more releases!

Click here to download!


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